Commentary by H.G. Listiak

Monday 12/22/2003

Welcome to my world. For those who drink too much, ending up knee crawling drunk, take heart. We may have an excuse for your behavior. Yes, here come the medical researchers again. Why it could be in your genes. No, not your relaxed Levis, butt hugging Wranglers, or painted on red Rockies, it's those other little guys in your system that more and more researchers are blaming for almost anything bad that you might do. This time I think it's definitely a reach. They say that people who become addicted to alcohol may possess a gene, a thirsty little devil, that encourages them to over-imbibe and get drunk a lot. Where they are finding the gene is what bothers me. It's in worms. Now how can a worm get knee crawling drunk when they don't have knees? Researchers at U.C. San Francisco published in the Science Journall cell, claim worms have a single gene responsible for drunkeness. They say all animals and humans possess this gene. What they did was dose thousands of worms with booze. The drunken worms moved slower and laid fewer eggs while the sober worms, the ones with the mutated gene, were pretty well immune to the intoxicating effects, apparently able to crawl a straight line. I wonder if they were able to touch their noses without hands. The researchers admit there is a lot more work to be done before they can actually leap to people, realizing that humans are more complicated than worms, but the gene is a close match. I wonder how much that chunk of scientific research cost. So, if your bellied up to the bar munching limes and licking salt while knocking down a few, do not eat the worm in the bottom of the bottle. It could be a secret agent of the booze maker or devil to lead you on the path to turpitude and sin. It might be a good idea to call AA so they can watch for these worms, as I see it ... I'm H.G. Listiak.