Commentary by H.G. Listiak

Thursday 10/02/2003

Welcome to my world, where here comes the glut of slick, shiny-paged catalogs, with their order forms and phone numbers, ready to assault your checkbooks and credit cards, as America once again celebrates the birth of Christ by breaking the dams and letting the cash flow. It's the same thing from the ladies, "What do I get the guy who has everything?" Well, noting that the image we portray to the gals runs the gamut from grim to gross, I've found some catalog ideas that are much more affordable than the jets, cars, and robots in the Neiman Marcus catalog. They come from the more modest pages of the Harriet Carter, Distinctive Gifts Since 1958 catalog. For only 12.98, you can give him a set of "Old Fart Slippers", where a small whoopie cushion will break wind with every step, a real gas. For only 19.98, you can buy him a beer belt that holds a whole six pack, while keeping his hands free to do other things. The size is 50 inches, but it's adjustable. "Born to hunt, forced to work" camouflaged ball caps go for only 5.98. For 19.98, he can record a message on the talking toilet paper dispenser and spout a wisecrack with every pull on the roll. And for the golfer, a putting green that surrounds one, while one sits upon the john. It comes with a short putter, plastic golf balls, and a one hole putting green that is sure to sharpen his game while answering the noisy, macho call of Mother Nature. You get it all for only 17.98. Get him both the Potty Practice Green and the talking dispenser. That way he can remind himself to keep his head down while putting, and if it goes in the hole, he can applaud himself witha loud "You're the Man!", as I see it ... I'm H.G. Listiak.